globes & maps

i want to hang onto something
that won't break away or fall apart

tonight

i am going to go to sleep early. i'm excited.
yes, excited.

say hello to february.

i'm well aware that it is more than a week into the month. i was away from the internet for the better part of a week and i have to say, it felt pretty good.

so what's been going on in the world of betsey?

well, for starters, i moved to martinez. it's not something that i really wanted to do but life happens and you have to just deal with it. i think, in a way, it was good to be away from the internet during that because it gave me time to adjust without escaping. i was pleasantly surprised to find out last weekend (while i was moving) that an old friend actually lives right next door. i haven't gotten a chance to hang out with her yet, but it will happen.

i bought a new laptop today. i've been thinking about it for quite awhile and i've been looking around the internet and finally found one i wanted, only to find out that it cost $100 more in the store than online. so a rather friendly salesperson helped me find one that within my budget with features i wanted. so far i am very happy with my purchase. i still have to transfer everything from my old laptop to the new one though.

i have been in much better spirits lately. i don't get to spend a lot of time with friends but i am fortunate enough to be surrounded by such wonderful people at work. it's hard to be bummed when you know and can really feel that people want you to be happy.

life is good.

scream and shout.

it's been a long month. there's been a lot going on and my head is spinning. i've been talking myself through each day but it's still tough. i really just want to get away from everyone for a couple days.

i miss being happy. it sounds so stupid, just be happy then. i wish it was that easy. my heart took a good beating and it's going to take time before it feels better. i guess i just need to let myself be sad for a little while. i didn't want to. i still don't really want to. but no one can keep it together all the time. i tried hard to. but it got the best of me. i know, i'm only human.

i'm going to be okay. there's no doubt in my mind. i know i need to talk to someone. i'm going to try. i'm just not used to it.

the curtain closes on another day

from the falsest smile to the fear of death is why
the pain reminds us that we're still alive
with our hopes on hold and our lack of interest exposed
all hands damage our determined eyes
but the lines are drawn and the red begins to creep
its way from boredom toward apathy

to keep from driving myself nuts

i've been trying to stay busy in one form or another. mostly i've been sleeping a lot because i'm trying to get over whatever has attacked my head. coughing and sniffling is not fun. i'm so over it. my spirits have been a little higher lately but i think it's partly because i'm escaping reality by sleeping so much. i know that's not really good but i'm doing my best to take care of myself as much as i know how to right now.

i went shopping today. i haven't bought new jeans in probably about three years. so i bought a pair of jeans today, along with two shirts and two books. i'm excited about reading. i don't know if it sounds stupid but it seems to help my brain work better and i tend to feel more creative. maybe it'll get me writing anything again.

i'm only working two days this week. i had today off for martin luther king jr day, or whatever today is. i took tomorrow off because i haven't had any time off other than weekends and holidays since july and i'd been feeling so beat. i just needed a break. and thursday is my uncle's funeral.

when this is all said and done, i might take some time away from the internet and focus more on myself and getting back to a good place. it's not going to be easy but i don't want to keep feeling the way i have for the past two weeks. but who knows. there are so many times i've said i'm going to do something and then i don't. i'm just taking life one day at a time right now. what else can i do?

get down with the sickness

yesterday i left work around 10:15 because i felt like garbage. i slept most of the day and when i woke up this morning to my alarm, i got up and showered and decided i wasn't going to work today. i was still a little weak and my throat felt swollen. i would rather play it safe than end up feeling even worse from pushing myself.

i feel like, with everything else going on, this is my body's way of telling me to slow down and take care of myself.

in other news, i officially hate my computer. it's a piece of garbage. not only is the network card dead, it also takes forever to start up and has recently decided that it likes to restart itself for no apparent reason without warning. because of this, i am now looking into buying a new one.

this weekend is a long weekend. yay.

i also have two weeks of vacation at the beginning of april. i will be going down to southern california for bamboozle left like last year. there's only been a few bands announced so far but i'm pretty stoked.

i've got a secret that you should know.

it gets harder every day. harder to get out of bed. harder to stay awake. harder to lie, "i'm okay." harder to force a smile. harder to hold back the tears. harder to not completely break down. and harder to fall asleep at night knowing i have to do it all over again the next day.

i thought it was supposed to get easier.

people have told me, "i'm here if you need to talk." and i appreciate that. i really do. but honestly, i don't know what to say. i feel so shitty. my heart hurts. i'm exhausted. i can't focus. i have anxiety about everything.

and all i really want is for this to just be some horrible dream that i can wake up from.

seriously

could this blog be any more depressing?

my heart hurts. my eyes burn.

fuck.
this is all so unfair.




rest in peace, uncle don.

what if we all die young?

it's almost like it's not real until you say it out loud.

"a hero of war, yeah, that's what i'll be
and when i come home, they'll be damn proud of me
i'll carry this flag to the grave if i must
because it's a flag that i love and a flag that i trust"

it's so fucking unfair.


rest in peace, ben.

new year's eve.

your innocence is not forgotten
i hope you know that where you are, i wish you well
i hope you sleep in a perfect memory

...

yesterday just took me hostage
yesterday locked me away from any truth
and now tomorrow's here without you
i know it's hard
i've tried but i could never say goodbye

i'm trying so hard not to associate new year's eve with krystel's death, but the fact of the matter is that it will be one year tomorrow. i've spent the last three days on the verge of tears and i'm dreading having to wake up in the morning. part of me is hoping that i'm overreacting and tomorrow won't be so bad.



this has been the best and worst year ever. i didn't know it was possible. everything that happened this year taught me a lesson, made me stronger and helped me grow. there was not a second of this year where i thought to myself, "this is easy." and in a way, i'm thankful for that. in a way, i'm thankful that it's almost over.

i'm excited for what 2009 has to offer.

december

no matter how hard i try not to, i think i'm always going to hate this month.

chemists cursed me imbalanced.

this year has been insane. it has gone by so fast, yet so much has happened that january feels like lifetimes ago.

more and more the past few days i've found myself missing a home i don't even have, missing people who don't even exist. it doesn't make sense. but i've always said that december makes me crazy.

don't take this the wrong way. i'm not sad. i'm restless. i want a place i love to call home. i want something new, anything different. and maybe a change of pace as well.

i want to get out of here for a little while. and i want the new year, now.

from my phone

earlier toinght, my mom mentioned that i have plenty of family in michigan and therefore could move there. i said i didn't think it was a good idea but the more i think about it, the more i'm thinking that maybe it is.

not the walking dead.

now you try too hard for the simple things
that are never out of reach
grew up too fast, gave up on dreams and you're stuck

i've been listening to this band called fireworks pretty much non stop for the past week and this one song in particular is making me believe in the dreams i had for three years. i never meant to give up on them. i didn't mean to become an old man over night just because of this stupid civilian job i have. there is so much more to life than just getting through the day, the night, the week, whatever.

this past year has been rough and maybe that has been part of why i lost sight of what i love about the music and the words and the meaning and freedom of it all. i know it might sound silly, but i'm ready to get back into it. it might just be a dream forever, but i think i'd rather have that dream and never get to do it than not even have anything to work toward at all.

don't say a word.

hey internet, i'm going to stop coming around if you keep bringing me bad news.

2*sweet is breaking up and i'm terribly upset about this. they're a fantastic pop punk band from chicago. i never got a chance to see them. a little over a year ago, they played a show a couple miles down the street from my house and i couldn't make it. such garbage.

living up to promises.

something i try to avoid on blogs is the topic of friendship. mostly because i believe if you have something to say to someone, it should be kept between you and that person. but there's no easy way to tell someone that they're being a shitty friend.

i'll be honest, i have let some friendships slip away too easily. but i don't really see the point in trying to force someone to be my friend if they've lost interest. it's better to just let it go than to be surrounded by people who don't care, who aren't willing to put forth any effort.

at the same time, i have put more time and heart into some friendships than i have ever gotten in return. i have reached out more times than i count to some people only to have my hand slapped away or, at times, completely ignored. it's draining.

when i've said that i would be there any time, day or night, i lived up to that promise. i've answered phone calls and text messages at three in the morning when i had to be up early for something important. when i've said that i'll be honest, i was. when i've said i wouldn't judge, i didn't.

i kept those promises and more. i'm tired of this vicious cyle. i'm better than just being the "back up" friend.

"this is only a test."

i don't know what's going on right now.

my head is fuzzy. some days i want to just avoid everyone. stay in bed and sleep off whatever is bugging me.

the purpose of this blog is completely lost on me. talk about my day. talk about my feelings. talk about the world. talk about people. talk about crazy ideas. talk about the past. i don't know. livejournal? blogspot? livejournal? myspace? blogspot? blogspot? blogspot?


i miss the city.

living like life's going out of style.

i went to a show last night. it's been awhile since i was truly stoked on seeing any band and i had a lot of fun. it made me remember why i started going to shows in the first place, why i fell in love with all of it.

i forgot what it was like to discover a band at a show. i forgot what it felt like to sing so hard and so loud that it hurt. i forgot the feeling of being beat from simply having a good time. i forgot about waking up in the morning and wanting to talk about the night before.

and i didn't know that i missed it so much.