scream and shout.

it's been a long month. there's been a lot going on and my head is spinning. i've been talking myself through each day but it's still tough. i really just want to get away from everyone for a couple days.

i miss being happy. it sounds so stupid, just be happy then. i wish it was that easy. my heart took a good beating and it's going to take time before it feels better. i guess i just need to let myself be sad for a little while. i didn't want to. i still don't really want to. but no one can keep it together all the time. i tried hard to. but it got the best of me. i know, i'm only human.

i'm going to be okay. there's no doubt in my mind. i know i need to talk to someone. i'm going to try. i'm just not used to it.

the curtain closes on another day

from the falsest smile to the fear of death is why
the pain reminds us that we're still alive
with our hopes on hold and our lack of interest exposed
all hands damage our determined eyes
but the lines are drawn and the red begins to creep
its way from boredom toward apathy

to keep from driving myself nuts

i've been trying to stay busy in one form or another. mostly i've been sleeping a lot because i'm trying to get over whatever has attacked my head. coughing and sniffling is not fun. i'm so over it. my spirits have been a little higher lately but i think it's partly because i'm escaping reality by sleeping so much. i know that's not really good but i'm doing my best to take care of myself as much as i know how to right now.

i went shopping today. i haven't bought new jeans in probably about three years. so i bought a pair of jeans today, along with two shirts and two books. i'm excited about reading. i don't know if it sounds stupid but it seems to help my brain work better and i tend to feel more creative. maybe it'll get me writing anything again.

i'm only working two days this week. i had today off for martin luther king jr day, or whatever today is. i took tomorrow off because i haven't had any time off other than weekends and holidays since july and i'd been feeling so beat. i just needed a break. and thursday is my uncle's funeral.

when this is all said and done, i might take some time away from the internet and focus more on myself and getting back to a good place. it's not going to be easy but i don't want to keep feeling the way i have for the past two weeks. but who knows. there are so many times i've said i'm going to do something and then i don't. i'm just taking life one day at a time right now. what else can i do?

get down with the sickness

yesterday i left work around 10:15 because i felt like garbage. i slept most of the day and when i woke up this morning to my alarm, i got up and showered and decided i wasn't going to work today. i was still a little weak and my throat felt swollen. i would rather play it safe than end up feeling even worse from pushing myself.

i feel like, with everything else going on, this is my body's way of telling me to slow down and take care of myself.

in other news, i officially hate my computer. it's a piece of garbage. not only is the network card dead, it also takes forever to start up and has recently decided that it likes to restart itself for no apparent reason without warning. because of this, i am now looking into buying a new one.

this weekend is a long weekend. yay.

i also have two weeks of vacation at the beginning of april. i will be going down to southern california for bamboozle left like last year. there's only been a few bands announced so far but i'm pretty stoked.

i've got a secret that you should know.

it gets harder every day. harder to get out of bed. harder to stay awake. harder to lie, "i'm okay." harder to force a smile. harder to hold back the tears. harder to not completely break down. and harder to fall asleep at night knowing i have to do it all over again the next day.

i thought it was supposed to get easier.

people have told me, "i'm here if you need to talk." and i appreciate that. i really do. but honestly, i don't know what to say. i feel so shitty. my heart hurts. i'm exhausted. i can't focus. i have anxiety about everything.

and all i really want is for this to just be some horrible dream that i can wake up from.

seriously

could this blog be any more depressing?

my heart hurts. my eyes burn.

fuck.
this is all so unfair.




rest in peace, uncle don.

what if we all die young?

it's almost like it's not real until you say it out loud.

"a hero of war, yeah, that's what i'll be
and when i come home, they'll be damn proud of me
i'll carry this flag to the grave if i must
because it's a flag that i love and a flag that i trust"

it's so fucking unfair.


rest in peace, ben.