not the walking dead.

now you try too hard for the simple things
that are never out of reach
grew up too fast, gave up on dreams and you're stuck

i've been listening to this band called fireworks pretty much non stop for the past week and this one song in particular is making me believe in the dreams i had for three years. i never meant to give up on them. i didn't mean to become an old man over night just because of this stupid civilian job i have. there is so much more to life than just getting through the day, the night, the week, whatever.

this past year has been rough and maybe that has been part of why i lost sight of what i love about the music and the words and the meaning and freedom of it all. i know it might sound silly, but i'm ready to get back into it. it might just be a dream forever, but i think i'd rather have that dream and never get to do it than not even have anything to work toward at all.

don't say a word.

hey internet, i'm going to stop coming around if you keep bringing me bad news.

2*sweet is breaking up and i'm terribly upset about this. they're a fantastic pop punk band from chicago. i never got a chance to see them. a little over a year ago, they played a show a couple miles down the street from my house and i couldn't make it. such garbage.

living up to promises.

something i try to avoid on blogs is the topic of friendship. mostly because i believe if you have something to say to someone, it should be kept between you and that person. but there's no easy way to tell someone that they're being a shitty friend.

i'll be honest, i have let some friendships slip away too easily. but i don't really see the point in trying to force someone to be my friend if they've lost interest. it's better to just let it go than to be surrounded by people who don't care, who aren't willing to put forth any effort.

at the same time, i have put more time and heart into some friendships than i have ever gotten in return. i have reached out more times than i count to some people only to have my hand slapped away or, at times, completely ignored. it's draining.

when i've said that i would be there any time, day or night, i lived up to that promise. i've answered phone calls and text messages at three in the morning when i had to be up early for something important. when i've said that i'll be honest, i was. when i've said i wouldn't judge, i didn't.

i kept those promises and more. i'm tired of this vicious cyle. i'm better than just being the "back up" friend.

"this is only a test."

i don't know what's going on right now.

my head is fuzzy. some days i want to just avoid everyone. stay in bed and sleep off whatever is bugging me.

the purpose of this blog is completely lost on me. talk about my day. talk about my feelings. talk about the world. talk about people. talk about crazy ideas. talk about the past. i don't know. livejournal? blogspot? livejournal? myspace? blogspot? blogspot? blogspot?


i miss the city.

living like life's going out of style.

i went to a show last night. it's been awhile since i was truly stoked on seeing any band and i had a lot of fun. it made me remember why i started going to shows in the first place, why i fell in love with all of it.

i forgot what it was like to discover a band at a show. i forgot what it felt like to sing so hard and so loud that it hurt. i forgot the feeling of being beat from simply having a good time. i forgot about waking up in the morning and wanting to talk about the night before.

and i didn't know that i missed it so much.

new month.

about time for an update, i suppose.

my piece of shit (wireless card) is working when it feels like it. i suppose it's better than not working at all. but i figure i should just save up for a new laptop.

i've been trying to think of ways to keep busy but the truth of the matter is simply that i am lazy. i could make up excuses why i don't go for walks. or why i don't do this or that but i might as well just be honest about it.

i don't really know what else to say. i'm mostly just feeling indifferent about everything. i want something exciting or even just out of the ordinary to happen.

this is a pretty pointless post.

lost cause vs. still swinging.

since last i posted about my recent lack of productivity, my laptop appears to have decided once and for all that it doesn't believe it has a network card, even though it does. the cheap solution to this would be to get a usb adapter, but after reading people's reviews on those, they don't work well. and i don't want to waste $30 on something that's going to die in a week or a month or who knows when.

it's a blessing, in a way, because i don't think i can really afford the $80 it costs to get a new card to put in my computer. even if i could, the part is currently not in stock in hp's store so i don't even know when i would get it.

we currently have one working desktop computer (mine) and one functioning computer that spazzes often (dad's). however, there's almost always someone on my computer so i rarely get the chance to use it. which means that i'm forced to find other things to do with my spare time.

so far, i haven't been doing a very good job at that, but it's partly because i was half dead (low iron) for most of last week. and now that i'm starting to feel more alive, i think my allergies are just about ready to knock me on my ass. it's not going to be fun.

but once i'm past that, i'll have more time for reading and maybe some writing, if i feel inspired. the weather is finally cooling down some, so maybe i'll go on some evening walks and possibly buy some roller blades and get active.

i think it's time to remember what life was like before the internet.